What else is there to say?

Nothing. Makes. Sense.

Hello 2012! What do you have in store for me?

2012 is here and I'm not sure how I exactly feel about it. 2011 started out being just as fun a ride as any, but it ended out with a lot of losses for a lot of people.

I lost my baby and broke up with the father of my child towards the end of q3. A lot of friends lost loved ones at the middle of the year. A dear friend lost her dad before Christmas. It just wasn’t a good year in general, I think.

Is 2012 going to turn out differently? We’ll have to just wait and see, now, don’t we?

This year, I plan on accomplishing a lot of things.

1. No smoking. I’ve been planning to quit smoking since God knows when, and I still haven’t gotten around to doing it. I also have NEED to get healthy in preparation for yet another plan I have for 2012.

2. No haircut. Until the end of the year, anyway. I’ve always been tripping on my hair. Whenever I feel like it, I have my hair cut. Sometimes I regret the end result, sometimes I like how it turns out. This year, I want to see how long I can grow my hair out before I actually start getting the itch to cut it. Challenge much?

3. No overspending. Good luck naman!! I’m not exactly known for being a wise spender. Just last December, I spent about 6k on shoes alone. Not so wise, yes? Hahaha! Anyway, this year I plan on being a bit more careful about the way I use my money. I plan to save as much money I can for my “baby fund”. So that by the end of the year, I’ll have enough money to cover for expenses, should I get pregnant mid year or something.

4. Have a baby. I lost my first baby last September. I don’t plan on waiting too long before I start working on getting pregnant again. I’m not getting any younger, after all.

Here’s to hoping I can manage to keep up w/ the things I set out to do at the start of the year.

Here’s to hoping all our wishes for the new year come true one way or another.

Here’s to hoping that things will be better for all of us this year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, PEOPLE!! POSITIVE VIBES!!

It Sucks To Be Me

Things have gone from simple to complicated to even more complicated.

First you have the boyfriend. Then the baby. Then you lose the baby. Afterwards, you lose the boyfriend.

But it turns out you didn't really lose the boyfriend just yet. You just downgraded the relationship a bit. It isn't really what you wanted, but it's all that can be offered. So you take what you're given.

You're happy, or at least you're forcing yourself to be contented with what is, even though it isn't really what you wanted per se. And you get by each day taking things as they come. You convince yourself that you're completely okay with what's happening. But are you really?

Then someone comes along and makes you feel happy. Special, even. But you can't commit yourself to that person because you're still in love with the downgraded boyfriend person (DBP). What's worse is that the new guy can't offer anything different from what has been offered by the DBP.

So you just go with the flow and enjoy the company offered by the new guy. At the same time, you try and work things out w/ the DBP. But the DBP has issues w/ the new guy. And every time you spend time with the new guy, you find the DBP taking one step further and further away from you.

What to do, what to do? You want to save the relationship (or whatever's left of it) with the DBP, but you also want to keep enjoying what you have with the new guy.

The things I get myself into just because I'm all for being happy. I swear.

Thankful, I am

How long has it been since I have last looked back into my life to count how many blessings I have in my life that I should be thankful for? I can't remember. It's been a while.

I have recently been through a major loss in my life, and I think my focus got stuck on that loss that I never got to appreciate what I didn't lose. I feel that I have been too narrow-sighted. I fear that the little one would've given me a kick in the ass for not seeing that there's still some things that I can enjoy even if he or she isn't there to enjoy it with me.

Now, I start counting my blessings:

• I am thankful that I have friends who went out of their way to help me and look after me in the hospital.
• I am thankful that I have my family who rushed to see me and care for me, even if that meant enduring 8 long hours of sitting in a bus to get to me.
• I am thankful that my years of working paid off and I had maternity benefits to tide me through bills and stuff that needed to be dealt with while I had no income.
• I am thankful that I have my partner, who held my hand and assured me that we're going to get through the loss together.
• I am thankful that I have wonderful co-workers who were sweet enough to check up on how I was doing, even if they didn't really need to do so.
• I am thankful that I am still alive even after having bled that much. The recurrence of the heavy bleeding was a cause for concern, but I pulled through from it just fine, and I am thankful for that as well.
• I am thankful that I am back to normal (Wait, was I ever normal? :P) and have been given the permission to return to work. Now I have a means to support myself again, and I get to keep my mind occupied to stop myself from wallowing in negative thoughts.
• Lastly, I am thankful that I had the opportunity of carrying that baby inside of me for the short 3 months that we were together. I am only sorry that he/she had to leave so soon and he/she didn't get to meet the wonderful people that I have in my life.
  

I'll have my chance in giving you a brother or a sister in the future, little one. But for now, I am thankful I had you, for whatever short a period that was. I love you, baby.

A Letter For You, Love.

Just mid-last week, I assured you that no one's going to harm you. Not while I'm around, at least. I was telling you to just keep holding my hands and to never ever let go. It's going to be you and me all the way, little one.

But last Friday, you decided to let go of my hands and left.

What happened, love? Didn't you feel how much I cared about you? Didn't you know how excited I was to meet you? Didn't you want to stay and meet me, too? Why did you leave so soon?

I can't help but think that I didn't take care of you enough. That I didn't take enough precaution. That I wasn't careful in handling you. Was I? People keep telling me that it wasn't my fault. That God has a bigger reason why He let this happen to us. I fail to see the reason behind this. No matter how hard I try to look for a different perspective on things, I fail to see the point in taking you away from me.

I'd trade anything for a chance to take back Friday and have it go by differently. Maybe then we'd have a chance to be together longer forever.

Right now, there's not much that I can do except to keep you in my heart. I can't stop thinking of how you turned to face us during the first ultrasound, or the fact that you were still moving when I picked you up. You're not just a developing fetus, little one. Not to me, anyway.

I'm not sure if I can ever say goodbye to you, love. I didn't get the chance to say hello.

Please remember that I love you, little one. You will always be mama's first baby.

Who knows...

What would you do when you start feeling like you're dispensable in someone's life?

Do you walk away?

Do you stay and give the person a chance to disprove that feeling?

I honestly can't say if these feelings are pure gut or if they're just brought about by the mood swings that commonly accompany the first trimester of pregnancy.

Currently at 11 weeks and some days, probably at the 12th week now, my anxiety and depression are getting the best of me these days. I can't stop thinking about all the wrong things that could happen to me, my baby, and the relationship.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe there's something to it. I can't tell anymore.

Maybe I'm still willing to wait. Maybe I'm just about ready to give up and move on. Bahala na si Batman.

If this is your way of dealing with my temper..

I'll tell you now that it's not working. Here I am trying to cool down by just shutting up and here you are all up in my grill telling me that you're pissed at me too?

It. Is. Not. Working.

I am trying to avoid an argument here. Jesus Christ!